i feel like life passes by in little recurring episodes for me. sort of like a dream... life is good for a while, then i wake up again.
first year of uni was awful for me... so alone. i made no friends - how is it possible to not make friends at uni? - and spent the first semester alone all the time and the second semester alone/working. tonight i got wistful.. listening to nicole talk about how she's "calmed down a lot" and in first year her and patty were "wild childs". i wish i had those memories. i resent my teenage years so much.. growing up.. my attendance issues at school/college/uni preventing me from making friends and having fun. being so shy and unsure of myself, such low self esteem that i couldn't bring myself to TRY and make friends. it's terrible that i am just USED to being alone. i wish i could live it all over. but anyway... second year, i worked basically the entire first semester. the second semester, i became better friends with charlene (my flatmate) and we went out a lot. i had such a good time. going out so much.. i had such high hopes for summer 2009, and then moving into this house with marian, emma and natalie. in the house last year, i was best friends with charlene but was only really tolerated by meherin and breege. i thought this year would be great because we all got on and were friends. i thought we'd be out so much, having fun all the time. how wrong i was.. marian does nothing but work during termtime, and even so, we have completely different tastes in where to go out etc. emma & natalie decided early on that they didn't like me, and in the end i felt so alone and actually resented by all three of them that i just stopped trying to make an effort. i stopped suggesting we go out, because all i got was 'we dont like clubbing, we dont want to go out" blah blah blah. i got hugely lonely, depressed. things with timmy were shit. awful time. it was like the amazing fun i'd had from jan-july of last year was a distant memory.. like i'd dreamed it, dreamed the good life, and then woken up to reality.
i feel the same now. from jan of this year i began to be much better friends with jo (someone i had previously only tolerated) and so became friends also with her flatmates patty & nicole. we've had some great nights out. but now it feels like i've woken up again. its a shame.. nicole is basically me. me but improved- she's pretty, slim, only 20 yet has experience more in the way of a social life than i ever had (ie. shes been on girly hols, 18-30 hols, worked in pubs etc etc.) - just better. we like the same kind of guys. same music. both could go clubbing till the sun comes up. we are the same... but she is better. i'm jealous of her, while simultaneously wishing that we were better friends. because then i'd have a "sidekick". it's sad to think... if i had met patty & nicole in first year... the fun i could have had while at uni.
anyway. now.. jo has kind of gone home for the summer. nicole works a lot and anyway.. she seems a lot less inclined to be my friend than i am hers. i guess because she doesnt need me.. she has other friends and i suppose to her i am more of just an occasional night-out buddy than anything else. i barely see charlene anymore as she lives in north london and spends most time with her boyfriend. i feel like... once again i have had my few months of fun, and now i am waking up again to the loneliness of being deserted by the people i rely on.
i hate relying on people. i feel as though everyone else my age has a solid group of friends, even just a few people, who all like the same things, same places, same music - differing slightly, perhaps, but isn't it "things in common" which make people friends? i, however, have little branches of friends. marian, fiona, and ali, who see a night in the pub as a "night out". jo, who doesnt like the same music or men or places as me, but still will come out and make an effort to have fun. along with jo, nicole, who would be the perfect clubbing partner were she around more. charlene, who i have fun with when i see her... but i rarely see her. i don't know. i feel like a twat complaining about not being able to go clubbing... it seems so trivial.. but being something i really enjoy doing, it really gets to me when i can't go because nobody else wants to or can. it also hits home how friendless and lonely i am. i feel like i look at other people my age.. going out with friends and having fun and dancing and having drunken stories to tell.. and i never have the same. i don't have that solid group of friends to always go out with. marian refuses to... her logic is that she won't waste time or money doing something she doesn't enjoy. my logic is that i'd rather go somewhere that i don't really like, and be out with my friends, than not be out with them. differing opinions, i guess, what can you do? but it bugs me that i am willing to go out somewhere she likes and make the effort to have fun even though i don't really enjoy it... but she would not even consider doing the same for me. i feel like i am always having someone else's fun.. rather than my own. and it is so easy to say... find friends who DO enjoy the same things. but oy... it is easier said than done. where on earth do you meet likeminded people? i seem to have the luck of always meeting people who enjoy different things to me. i know better than to look forward to living with marian, fiona and ali next year... because i know i will be more lonely than ever. nicole and jo won't be living in the same road. nicole probably won't even be living in london. unless i find some friends who want to do the same things as me soon... i will be back to a replay of last year's autumn semester. constantly alone, bored, going to work just to have someone to talk to and have fun with. marian thinks we are going to have the best time, but that's because she will be living with likeminded people. she doesn't get that i'll be alright for the first few weeks.. but then i will get antsy. i will crave the dancefloor, the dark club, the atmosphere. and i will have no-one to go with. and once again.. it will be as if ive woken up to my real world. the lonely, boring one.
i'm just typing as i think and this is all shit. i sound like a petty twat. that's what i'm feeling, though.