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[28 Nov 2009|07:54am] |
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'it's weird, you know... when i was like, 15, all i wanted to do was get older. do what i want, be my own person. and now i can.. i can do whatever i want. i can drink, vote, drive, fuck.. i'm legally an adult. and i've realised 2 things. 1, that i would do anything to go get them years back. and 2, that i never felt more alone. i never felt more like a kid in my life.'
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| beginnings and endings |
[25 Sep 2009|03:08am] |
it's really strange how fast time goes and how you don't realise you have to make the most of it until it's over.
i swear to god everyone knows what it's like to be told, "make the most of it while you're young"; or something along those lines. we never listen. never do. just nod and roll our eyes and shrug it off. then suddenly a small era of our lives is over- high school, college, university- and we desperately scrabble for any miracle that might let us timetravel back to the beginning so we can start over, do more, learn more, live more. i know that's me. i look back on school, which i HATED, and wish i'd gone more, wish i had the memories that my friends do and the friends they made there. wish i'd had more high school crushes and boyfriends and drama, wish i'd gone to prom, wish i'd gotten more gcse's. i look back on college and wish i'd done the same, gotten better grades, made better friends, had a better time. now, i'm going into my final year of university, and i cannot believe it. all i can do each day of this week is look around at all the freshers, in sheer jealousy; at them going into this amazing unrivalled chapter of their lives and having no idea how quickly it will pass.
i remember my first week at university and kate, my flat rep, saying to me that she couldn't believe how quickly her three years there had gone. i was sceptical; i mean it's three years we're talking, how can that go quickly?? now i know only too well... i think it's all down to relativity really. school never seemed to go fast because really it was neverending. you're there for a good ten years and every year its the same thing. finish for summer, back to school and all over again. then suddenly it's over, you go into alevels and you don't think to make the most of it because it's two years. then suddenly you're starting the second year and applying for university and it's over before you know it. university- seems like the biggest thing of your life. you think it'll last forever, you'll be a student forever. its three years after all. even once you've done your first year, you still have another two. then- if you're anything like me- you reach halfway through that second year and suddenly realise- shit! it's going to be over soon.
every single day this summer, this autumn, this week; i have been exclaiming over and over again, in my mind and out loud, that i cannot believe where i am. i can't believe i am a third year. i can't believe that this is IT. this time next summer i will be a graduate, and i'm scared shitless. i can't imagine myself in a gown, accepting a certificate of my degree. i can't imagine not being a student anymore. it's been two years but i feel like i've only just begun. i've only just settled, and soon it'll be over.
even though i am applying to do a pgce, which means another year at uni- even though i fantasise almost every day about doing another degree after this one- the fact remains that my university life is over. as a pgce student, i will still be a postgrad, not an undergrad. if i did another degree- i wouldn't be a fresher. i'd be a mature student, 'different'. these years at university truly are priceless; you can never get them back and you can never relive them. i think back almost every day to what i'd do differently if i could just go back and start over, i think what i would say to someone in that position of just heading off to university, the advice i'd give- and the sad thing is that i know there would be no point. because every young person, upon hearing that they should 'make the most of' their young years.... just rolls their eyes and shrugs it off. i don't think you can understand it, or even take any notice until you've lived it.
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| Writer's Block: LiveJournal Book Club |
[26 Apr 2009|03:57am] |
the time traveler's wife by audrey niffenegger
it just stunned me. it's rare to come across a book that is so incredible and amazing, in this day and age, but this is it.
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| to my sputnik sweetheart. |
[08 Jan 2009|07:01pm] |
and it came to me then- that we were wonderful travelling companions, but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own seperate orbits.
from far off they looked like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're no more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. when the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. maybe even open our hearts to each other. but that was only for the briefest moment. in the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude, until we burned up and became nothing.
goodbye, mark.
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[01 Jan 2009|05:49pm] |
hello, 2009.
could you be any busier?
my schedule is as follows:
tuesday: 11am-1pm Career Prep
1pm-2pm Journalism Then & Now (lec)
3pm-6pm Photography & the Real
weds: 9am-10am Journalism Then & Now (sem)
thursday: 1pm-3pm Genre & Cultural Context (scrn)
3pm-4pm Genre & Cultural Context (lec)
4pm-6pm Genre & Cultural Context (sem)
friday: 9am-1pm World Cinemas
i'm not entirely sure i can handle two 9am starts a week, plus two days of all-day lectures until 6pm. one of them is all in the same room! this is insanity. why do i bite off more than i can chew? i could have forgone one of these modules, but no. i must do the absolute maximum. i suppose the upside is, it means i have room to fail one module. i think.
on top of this of course i have work, which actually isn't looking too busy.... they certainly aren't doing their utmost to pull acts in. maybe there'll be a steady influx as time goes on but for now the calendar is looking pretty spread out. odd. i need to find some work experience this year though, so it's kind of okay. i'm wondering whether it's acceptable to ask someone i worked with last month as a contact for this. we met in an awkward circumstance, and only worked together once after that. he's one of the VIPs in a rather large merch company, which also happens to be one of slipstream's rivals. part of me is thinking, if you don't ask, you don't get; and i should be taking advantage of every contact i manage to make in this business. the other side is wondering whether it is socially acceptable to do so, or merely incredibly embarrassing.
aside from getting work experience, i suppose my 'resolutions' will be to...
1. lose weight. an ever-present goal
2. try and pay off overdraft before loan comes in (not entirely possible as it goes); control finances better.
3. try and save enough for trip to AUSTRAAALIAAA!
4. attend lectures, research, learn, and start essays at least 48 hours before they are due.
i hope i manage it all.
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[15 Nov 2008|03:29am] |
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joseph arthur |
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i'm writing this through incredibly tired eyes that just won't sleep. that's my life story, these days. i work til late, come home, and then can't sleep. i am still working for slipstream, of course. i have started working on the bar at hammersmith apollo, as of this week, too - mainly because 70% of the acts they seem to book are comedians, who rarely have merchandise. if they do, they usually only need one person working- this way, michael and i both get to earn some money. i don't like it much though. bar work's not for me, i don't think, and a lot of the venue staff are unfriendly. but! carry on i shall, as poor i am. before this uni year started i had managed to hit my overdraft limit- meaning that when i got my loan through, £1,200 went straight to paying off that. then there's rent and after that i had only about £400 leftover. now i am pretty sure i am quite far into my overdraft again, and only two months' rent has come out of it! rent is due again in a few days.. actually, what am i saying. the days have run away with me; this ALWAYS happens when i work lots. it's the 14th, rent comes out on the 12th. so yeah.. i must be pretty far into it. i am planning to make this up with my wages though. i am determined to NOT still be in my overdraft by the time my next loan instalment comes through, otherwise i will just end up in a vicious circle. funnily enough, though, i am getting better with my shopping habit. i'm not GOOD, yet, but i'm doing better...
my new housemates are quite lovely. i get on with charlene the most. we have regular nights out to the salsa club in central and giggle over boys. i am still horribly single. currently crushing over this week's merchandise road man - james. very cute, suprisingly young (they are usually 40-odd) and VERY funny. he's great. but sooo not interested, AND leaving tomorrow. never mind. he was a worthwhile crush. other than that, i am of course still crushing on just about every cutie within the hammersmith apollo. did meet a guy at salsa but it hasnt gone anywhere - c'est la vie!
i think i have fully accepted my situation with mark, too. it will never get good, ever. i will never get over him, i know that, but i also know that i will get used to it, that it will get better, and in fact.. maybe it already has. it doesn't hurt physically, anymore, not really. a small ache, maybe, but not the gut wrenching pain i used to feel at the beginning, or the eye-watering heartache i used to feel at the end. now it's more of.. a yearning, for what never was. i miss him. i love him. but i can live without him, i think.
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[07 Sep 2008|03:14am] |
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kol: on call. |
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"did i ever say i liked you, aimee?"
the straightest rejection i ever got.
this, following mark, and dan's massively blatant fobbing-off of my advance, has completely put me off ever being brave, or making a move, or even thinking that a guy might possibly be interested in me at all, ever again. it is clearly just not something that's ever going to happen.
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| !!!!!!!!!!!! |
[20 Aug 2008|02:05am] |
  HIGHLIGHT OF MY CELEBRITY-SERVING CAREER and yes, he did look this fit:  |
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[04 Aug 2008|12:13am] |
sigh. i'm at home, on my own, bored out of my brain. what happened to tv? there's nothing on at all! i was literally sitting around drumming my fingers before i discovered that this laptop worked..
went to Wales this weekend for (uncle) Gary & Claire's wedding. it was alright i guess. first real chance i've had to wear a summery dress. i,of course, got hideously sunburnt. i am still recovering, but safe in the knowledge that within a couple of days it willhave turned to tan. shame it's not all even..
parts of the wedding reminded me of 'the last kiss'. a few of the male guests, the matron of honour and claire herself. the best man, who is a legend. the best conversations i had this weekend were with him and his wife. the house we were staying in was lush too, despite having to trek all the way to (near) Swansea to get there. it had an indoor pool and everything! and the view from the garden was amazing. the wedding itself wasnt that spectacular, there wasnt much buildup to the bridal walk or anything. i hope Natalie's is a bit better, but at the same time not, cause that time i'll be walking down the aisle too!
all in all the wedding night was basically a reversal to the days of being a child with my cousins. i have 5: ashley is currently 28 and was, along with my sister, the older one. then there are laura and alex, both 24, and daniel and michael, both 22. (families: ashley, laura & daniel; alex & michael). of course, alex and laura got on famously, as did daniel and michael. when i was very young daniel and i were best friends, he came on holiday with my family once. once we got older and his family moved to dorset though, we did of course grow apart. i haven't seen him since my grandparents anniversary about 4 years ago, and before that it must have been a good 6 years. ive always thought it was a shame, cause we got on amazingly, but it happens right? on saturday though i honestly felt like i did back then - i have always been shy, and when i was younger i barely said a word - i was always the shy little baby of the family, who tagged along with the others who all had the same sense of humour and got on really well. Daniel wasn't at the wedding, but Laura's boyfriend Matt was and, along with Alex, Michael and Ashley, they took me straight back to those days, except this time round i'm older, and while i felt left out and allt hat... i also just felt incredibly bored and slightly amused by how lacking they are in personality. Laura and Ashley are nice - in fact friday night i had an inkling of a thought that ashley andi would end up bonding this weekend; i know from my mother that he's suffered from depression in the past and when i got there on friday about 11pm i could kind of see it in what he said and how he spoke.. i don't know, maybe not depressed, maybe just more of being an outcast, maybe because i've been there and both counts and still kind of am, i just felt like i SAW him and despite us never having hung out in the past because of the massive age difference between him and the rest of us, we seemed to click somehow and he seemed a little to me as being 'off the rails'... mentally or literally i don;t know, but perhaps it ws just cause he was drunk. ikind of pictured us talking a lot and getting on because of that, but it didn't happen. anyway, i digress. Laura and Ashley are nice. Matt is alright, although he intimidates me just through being older, having seen it all, being confident and talking to anyone with no trouble. alex and michael just piss me off, both are immature; alex is one of those giggly annoying girls with a shite, stupid sense of humour, and over the past 5 years michael appears to have turned into a seedy, slimy, short ginger of a man with much the same personality. i sat with them outof a feeling of duty, because they were the only other 'young ones', and because they were my cousins, but truth be told the best conversation i had all weekend was with the best man and his wife - who, might i add, had the CUTEST children i've ever seen!
anyway. work is going okay. i've basically been running the show for the entire run of HSM. made a few fuckups but managed to resolve them. i'm having a good time, i guess. i get on well with most of my staff and have alaugh most days. started talking tot he venue staff more too - there's even a girl there who seems to fancy me! haha. and i have a major crush on this guy Danny who works there - security. he's 36.... i know i know. and i don't think he's properly interested, as he hasnt made a move at all and doesn't even bother saying goodbye ot me when he leaves. but he does flirt majorly and i guess even if it doesnt turn into anything, i have that at least? he does make wildly suggestive comments though, so who knows...
i havent updated in so long, i probably have a lto more to say... for instance... i got to work at global gathering! which was pretty wicked. i passed my first year of uni. had a massive argument the other day with kat......yeah! bored now. tara.
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[23 Jun 2008|07:41pm] |
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ohmygodddd, i want to meet noel clarke and do noel clarke and quite possibly also marry noel clarke, thankyou.
a bit of danny dyer would not go amiss either!
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| i know i'm alone if i am with or without you... |
[18 Jun 2008|10:35pm] |
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rk. |
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i am so bored at home! all i've done since being back is sit around doing nothing. marian and maddie are still busy with college and katherine always seems to have plans with nick or her family. i haven't even really unpacked yet, only my clothes (which all need ironing) because my grandparents were here when i moved back, for like 5 days, and there just wasnt room to sort everything. i really wish we were back in the old house. at least then i'd have room to move! this bungalow shit is bollocks. its so tiny i can't even move in my room. i step out of my bed into a load of mess, boxes and bags of stuff that i have nowhere to put. i'm not sure i'll ever manage to sort it out... i think i'll be living out of suitcases for the next two years.
we saw puppies yesterday! my mum's manager has a springer spaniel that had TEN little ones 5 weeks ago. they're finally old enough for us to go see them! they're all brown and white, and sooo cute. most of them are normal small puppy size, but there's one little runt who is adorable. he's half the size of the rest, literally the size of a kitten but sooo cute. he fell asleep in my hands! i didn't want to let him go. his name is dave too hahahaha.
i've been slightly in the wars. at the summer ball i was on the dodgems and fucked up my hand. at a&e they told me it was fractured, at the fracture clinic they said it was just soft tissue injury. thankfully its pretty much better now, aside from pain in my thumb and forefinger if i try to do anything like, open a bottle or a sachet. it was doing my head in before - i felt so useless! i had a tooth out on thursday too. kicked up a right fuss! i completely panicked, cried like a baby and then called the dentist a prick. lovely experience.......
mark. mark mark mark. i can't imagine how he sees me. it must be pretty awful. he's so vague and non-commital about everything, i have to literally hand it to him on a plate just to get him to even consider seeing me and then he fobs me off with "maybe"s and excuses. i must be quite the repulsive young hag; after all what kind of man turns down easy sex with no effort involved except to be there and get laid? quite. it is so knackering to be in love. more so with a man who doesn't even find the prospect of no-strings sex an attractive one...
only a week to go til i'm back in london. high school musical, ahoy-hoy. i am currently eagerly awaiting my independence, having something to do with my days, being in 24/7 easy reach of london shopping, and the unveiling of eli as newt the maniac's imaginary friend....
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[14 May 2008|02:04am] |
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uhh.
been home for a few days. just got back to uni tonight, a few hours ago. it's really weird to think i've only got a few weeks left here before i have to move out. i know i'll be back again two weeks later, but no-one else will be which will be odd. i've just spent ages sorting out my wardrobe and folding everything into neat piles - my indecisive nature inevitably leaves the place looking like a bombsite with discarded clothes everywhere. it still looks like that, but not quite as much. god. and to think i've been in a frenzied shopping mood lately, "no summer clothes" - i have SO many clothes. just not many that are currently wearable...
mark. what can i say? tumultuous as always. my faith in this thing has completely gone. i thought it had before.. i even had the times, events pinpointed in my mind where i'd gradually lost significant amounts of hope- the time he said he was bored of me, last year's "wish you all the best" episode, etc. but now.. well, he said i never even satisfied him. ever. just 'had potential'. so i mean.. what does that leave? four years and i still only have potential. i don't know. i guess i'm finally broken.
it's nice here, though. at the moment. with the nice weather, drinking weather. no lessons means we can spend days outside on the grass, watching the baby geese, having waterfights and drinking icy drinks. lovely stuff.
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[12 Apr 2008|04:40pm] |
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the kooks - young folks. |
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i am so busy busy busy. i like being busy, but not so much that i can't relax at any time. i am taking a breather, currently, and plan to be back on the books at 5pm sharp. i have 20 minutes.
i only have two or three weeks left until my entire academic year is over, but i have so much to do in that time. i am currently trying to write an essay on the french new wave, which i knew nothing about up until monday. i haven't actually started it yet, or watched the film (it's in reference to 'breathless'), but i have been doing lots of research. that's due on wednesday 16th. i have a critical evaluation to do of some journalism article, for tuesday. i've done 270 words, but i've had that done for about two weeks and have found it impossible to think up anything more. that's due on tuesday 15th. finally, i have an essay to write on the differences between mainstream and citizen journalism, which would be easy, if we didn't have to include SEVEN academic sources referenced within the text to show our understanding of the topic and proof of reading. university is a fucking joke. that's due on friday 18th.
not to mention the two exams i have -- april 21st and may 6th -- four questions to answer and no fucking idea about the topics at all, let alone the bloody answers.
i got a slight promotion at work and am now an in-charge person. did i update this before? i can't remember. i'm a supervisor, i guess. i do shows on my own or with michael; i handle the money and the paperwork and most other things. i am still learning, but fast, i think. i will be doing four shows on my own next week while sarah and michael are away on holiday. i am working every single day from tomorrow until tues 22nd, except next wednesday. i'm fucking insane. i do like my job, but when i have so much to do... jeeeesus.
i think i can power on through, though. work hard.. work hard? right?
fuck. i forgot to buy printer ink.
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[07 Apr 2008|10:12pm] |
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the scariest thought is that i might be falling out of love with him.
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| if god could make a perfect man for me it would be you. |
[24 Mar 2008|12:47am] |
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laura marling. |
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isn't it interesting how we hurt ourselves. how we'll ask the questions we know we'll hate the answers to, say the things we know we shouldn't because it will fuck things up. like when you press a bruise even though you know it'll just hurt. or tongue an ulcer even though it stings more than a slap across the face. you can't help but do it, you just have to know, no matter how much it hurts.
i've been asking mark about his girlfriend. how she fucks. what she does. what she's like. apparently she is 'very good' and 'knows exactly what to do'. she is 'confident'. i couldn't help but laugh; if confidence is the measure of how good you are in bed then i am surely shit. he says i'm not, and that i 'will learn'. surely i should have already? after four years with him, two of which were fairly regular sex, surely i should know 'exactly what to do' as well? he says it's 'different' because he's known her seven years and 'you pick things up'. again, surely i should have picked those things up by now?
he then went on to say that, 'you're innocent, i like that'. which, for some reason, made me stop crying and smile. i suppose because he rarely comments on something he likes about me, unless it's predictably explicit. it's nice to know that there is something he likes.
i told him i wish i'd made him happy, the way she does. he said i did. and that he only stopped seeing me because he doesn't want to cheat on her, 'that's all it is'. i argued that regardless, single or taken, he's just not bothered about seeing me anymore and hasn't been for a long time. that somewhere along the line i just stopped being worth the effort, and if i'd made him happy that wouldn't have happened. if i'd been better, somehow.
i got no counter-argument.
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maybe i should give up, give in. give up trying to be thin.
and i'm sorry to whichever man should meet my sorry state,
watch my steady lonesome gait and be aware:
i will never love a man because love and pain go hand in hand and i can't do it again.
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| let it die. |
[22 Mar 2008|12:45am] |
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the shins |
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in exactly six months, i will be twenty years old. odd, considering i still feel (and look) about seventeen.
i found somewhere to live for next year. it's down near the whitelands campus, which is about 20 minutes away from here. the room is very small also, but never mind. i will be living with two second year girls, and two others who i haven't met yet. i'm sure it will be dandy.
mark has broken his foot. i have actual money in my account (although i am still -£350 in my loan account - i am trying to get this down as much as possible before my loan comes through). i get paid weekly by both places, so that's pretty good. it means i don't have to worry too much and always have a gurantee of money coming through soon. i have discovered a new-found love for buying cds; i don't really see the point, as all i do is upload them to itunes and then shove them in the cupboard. but it makes me feel good. i bought that sailor dress from primark today, as well as four bags and a pair of shoes, with a grand total of £23. i hate primark, i really do, but i suppose other people love it for a reason. i am knackered. i worked the gossip tonight and though i'm not a fan of beth ditto, she really is a good performer. i am so tired. so so tired. i am going to bed.
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| i am ready i am ready for the floor |
[11 Mar 2008|11:40pm] |
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mm food |
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lcd soundsystem |
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you know you are a student when you get unfeasibly excited at the discovery of a tin of heinz ravioli lurking in your cupboard. mm. 11pm dinners are not good for me but they are deeply satisfying. especially when they are food that is not good for me either, like said ravioli and potato waffles. naughty but nice.
i worked the guillemots show tonight. unfortunately i was on level 2 and thus didn't see much of it. i got a fair few tips though (at least compared to sunday's whopping total of 35p) and some cute guys hung back after the show to talk to me and sarah. yum. it did look good, from what we heard from under the door, and saw on the tv. and a few people said it was really good (cuties included). it's really refreshing when a man in his 40s maybe later gets engrossed in a talk with me about the similarity of guillemots to arcade fire. i like people with suprising taste in music.
yesterday i fucked up my apollo job. i mean, i still have it and everything, but they will all think i am a dick, and a twat, and incompetent, and numerous other things. they are really nice people too which fucks me off. why must i fuck everything up?
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[02 Mar 2008|04:55pm] |
i failed last semester's exam. a score of 24, we need 40 to pass. the resit is april 21st. i couldn't resit it if i tried. i have no idea what the fuck we even did. i am going to try and retake my first year, but only of film, not journalism. i have no idea if this is possible or how i would end up graduating, but it is worth a try and so i have emailed the academic advisor. fuck. would they even let me back onto the course? i am such an awful student. why is this? what is my perpetual inability to attend class? i have said it a million times before and maybe again i will just fuck it up, but if i get another chance i will make sure i attend class.
mark text me to say, he's back with his ex so he can't see me, sorry. it was never really going to happen anyway, was it? he sent me a pitcure of her, she is 26, peroxide blonde and fat. fat in a pretty way, though. bitch.
i started my new job at the empire. it is pretty ace. bar work, it turns out, is not hard at all. then again, i'm not exactly making cocktails, am i? my boss is buff ting, but i hate him too. he's one of those effortlessly cool people who just... fits in, and whenever he's around i feel like he's either thinking i'm a complete twat or laughing at me. it would be easier if he was ugly, but he is sooo my type. oh dear.
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