(that girl) (ohmanifesto) wrote,
(that girl)
ohmanifesto

4 months on and this is getting fucking ridiculous.

he is still all i think about anytime i am left alone with my own thoughts. when i'm at work and there's nothing to do and no-one to talk to - i think of him. when i get into bed he's the last thing i think about before i sleep. when i'm sitting on the sofa i imagine him sitting next to me with his arm round me - then i look and its just me. i wasn't even in love with him - we weren't together long enough (although suffice to say given another couple of months i probably would have fallen for him). yet i miss him so, so much.

he dumped me a week after i last saw him. i hadn't heard from him for 5 days, after he told me that he really liked me and wanted to be with me and was going to get things back to how they were. on the friday, someone (his dad i think) text me from his phone telling me that he had had to go home (zimbabwe) for an unexpected funeral. i didn't really understand why he couldn't have sent me a quick 30second text before he left to tell me, but i understood it was urgent and he is male after all. the day after, he got back and text me late at night when i was on my way home from a night out where i had spent the entire time trying not to cry over him. one of his best friends had been killed. i told him if he wanted to talk or even just take his mind off it then i would be there.. i fell asleep and woke up the next morning to a text telling me i should 'just do my own thing'. we were texting back and forth for a couple of days.. i made an idiot of myself, i guess, trying to argue it, thinking he was just backing away once it got tough. four days later he told me he wanted to 'start all over again', i suggested a date to do so. two days later i had not heard from him and text him to ask when it would happen.. he replied that he didnt think it was a good idea anymore. i already knew he'd changed his mind, i guess.

we have texted a couple of times since then. once, i text him to ask if we could talk and that i would call him later.. he wanted to know why and i ended up just texting him that i wanted to see if there was still a chance because i didn't want to give up on what we had.. that i really liked him and even if it meant going slow and taking things back a step.. i just wanted to try and make it work. he said something like 'nah i dont think so i cant do a relationship right now iv got my own woes going on'.. i asked straight out if that was the reason (and that if it was i was happy to just date for a while even and not be too serious) or if it was just that he didn't want me. he replied 'i've just said i dont want a relationship cant get much clearer than that lol' (yeah 'lol' just to kick the boot in a bit harder). i left him alone after that, but texted him to invite him and his friends to my birthday do. he said he would try and come, didn't turn up, then text me a few days after to apologise and that something had come up. he text me on my actual birthday, to say happy birthday. i thought, why would he do that if he didnt still care? but that seemed to be the extent of it.. nothing more. maybe a few weeks after that, i text him to see if he wanted to link up sometime.. i think he took it to mean for sex, although i meant just see him. i told him so but added 'a bit of stress relief wouldnt go amiss tho lol'. he replied something like ' ok what day were u thinking, il check my diary n let u know lol' .... riiiight. the next day i woke up to a text from him saying, 'just doesnt seem right to me tho'. i asked what didn't? he said 'erm dont think i can link up with you' ... 'dont think u can what does that mean?' ... 'errr i cant' .... 'do i get a reason?' ... 'lmao do i need to give u a reason'

thats the last time we spoke.

i don't know what i did.

maybe he was using me the whole time? i don't know. i know enough of guys to know that if he doesn't like you, he won't say it - unless you won't put out and that's what he's after. i don't think that was the case here. when we were good, he was genuinely affectionate and would text me alot.. he would kiss my bare shoulder randomly in the cinema, stroke my hair, walk the longer way to the bus stop so he could 'spend more time with aimee', ask me to get the next bus so he could have more time with me. he stayed the night. he cuddled me. he introduced me to his friends, told his brothers about me. i don't know what i did wrong. looking back, from when he started being off with me... i wonder if he was just using me from then. i always knew he would get bored eventually, or go off me, or realise he could do about 10x better. maybe that's what happened and all the shit he had on at the time (court case, heavy workload, bereavement) just added to it. when i look back to the times i saw him after he first started being distant.. i wonder if maybe he only bothered in order to get laid. the time i bumped into him at oceana for instance.. neither of us knew the other was going, and i wonder if he only asked to come home with me not because he missed me and wanted to be alone with me and spend more time with me, but because he knew he'd get laid. same with the last time i saw him.. perhaps he only bothered coming over 'to talk' because he figured there'd be sex involved. i must have made a right fucking idiot of myself, right? even before i practically begged him not to dump me.

i'm tired of missing him all the time.
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