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(that girl)

( Hard rock Queens | In ripped up jeans. )
( Everyone thinks | they're so obscene.. )
( Break me | You covetous creature. )
( Then put me back together | like a star. )
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[04 Dec 2011|06:07am]
[ mood | confused ]

i have started linking joseph. hotttttt joseph.

it is bad news.

technically, he is one of those 'all-rounder' guys. he is gorgeous, both in the face and the bod. he's a nice guy. makes me laugh. intelligent as far as i can tell, slightly suprising as before i got to know him someone described him to me as a 'neanderthal', lol. he's mature, despite being two years younger than me. he's amazing in bed, perfect - and not just in a 'great fuck' way, but every way; he kisses me loads, fucks well, cuddles me after AND stays the night. he's a guy i can actually see myself being with - i've been with guys who seem like 'all-rounders' before and always LIKE them, but realistically can't imagine being with them. joseph i can actually happily see myself falling asleep with every night.  

but this is very bad news.

firstly because, on paper, he's NOT an all-rounder. he's two years younger than me! he has a child (ugh), and he doesn't have a job. (although, i am hoping to get him one at GAP).

and finally, most importantly, because it's just sex for him. as usual, i really like him, and he just wants an occasional casual fuck. reaaaaally bad news for my emotional state. i know i should listen to my head and stop seeing him, or atleast force myself to stop thinking so romantically about him.

but... somehow he is just different. i don't understand why, because its not like he sees me differently to any of the other guys i have dealt with. i'm still just a shag. i know that, because everytime i see him i'm on a high for a couple of days over how amazing it was/he is, but then i don't hear from him for 2-3 weeks and it's the worst fucking comedown you can imagine. i'm pretty certain he is fucking other girls and i am nowhere close to first in line.

but usually when i'm with a guy... even when we're having sex, when he's inside me, or even when i am lying next to him in his single fucking bed mere millimeteres away from him... i still feel alone.

when i'm with joseph, for whatever reason, i don't feel like i'm on my own anymore.

he makes me feel like a person. like i'm me, and like i'm worth something.

no words came out

[02 Dec 2010|02:08am]
4 months on and this is getting fucking ridiculous.

he is still all i think about anytime i am left alone with my own thoughts. when i'm at work and there's nothing to do and no-one to talk to - i think of him. when i get into bed he's the last thing i think about before i sleep. when i'm sitting on the sofa i imagine him sitting next to me with his arm round me - then i look and its just me. i wasn't even in love with him - we weren't together long enough (although suffice to say given another couple of months i probably would have fallen for him). yet i miss him so, so much.

he dumped me a week after i last saw him. i hadn't heard from him for 5 days, after he told me that he really liked me and wanted to be with me and was going to get things back to how they were. on the friday, someone (his dad i think) text me from his phone telling me that he had had to go home (zimbabwe) for an unexpected funeral. i didn't really understand why he couldn't have sent me a quick 30second text before he left to tell me, but i understood it was urgent and he is male after all. the day after, he got back and text me late at night when i was on my way home from a night out where i had spent the entire time trying not to cry over him. one of his best friends had been killed. i told him if he wanted to talk or even just take his mind off it then i would be there.. i fell asleep and woke up the next morning to a text telling me i should 'just do my own thing'. we were texting back and forth for a couple of days.. i made an idiot of myself, i guess, trying to argue it, thinking he was just backing away once it got tough. four days later he told me he wanted to 'start all over again', i suggested a date to do so. two days later i had not heard from him and text him to ask when it would happen.. he replied that he didnt think it was a good idea anymore. i already knew he'd changed his mind, i guess.

we have texted a couple of times since then. once, i text him to ask if we could talk and that i would call him later.. he wanted to know why and i ended up just texting him that i wanted to see if there was still a chance because i didn't want to give up on what we had.. that i really liked him and even if it meant going slow and taking things back a step.. i just wanted to try and make it work. he said something like 'nah i dont think so i cant do a relationship right now iv got my own woes going on'.. i asked straight out if that was the reason (and that if it was i was happy to just date for a while even and not be too serious) or if it was just that he didn't want me. he replied 'i've just said i dont want a relationship cant get much clearer than that lol' (yeah 'lol' just to kick the boot in a bit harder). i left him alone after that, but texted him to invite him and his friends to my birthday do. he said he would try and come, didn't turn up, then text me a few days after to apologise and that something had come up. he text me on my actual birthday, to say happy birthday. i thought, why would he do that if he didnt still care? but that seemed to be the extent of it.. nothing more. maybe a few weeks after that, i text him to see if he wanted to link up sometime.. i think he took it to mean for sex, although i meant just see him. i told him so but added 'a bit of stress relief wouldnt go amiss tho lol'. he replied something like ' ok what day were u thinking, il check my diary n let u know lol' .... riiiight. the next day i woke up to a text from him saying, 'just doesnt seem right to me tho'. i asked what didn't? he said 'erm dont think i can link up with you' ... 'dont think u can what does that mean?' ... 'errr i cant' .... 'do i get a reason?' ... 'lmao do i need to give u a reason'

thats the last time we spoke.

i don't know what i did.

maybe he was using me the whole time? i don't know. i know enough of guys to know that if he doesn't like you, he won't say it - unless you won't put out and that's what he's after. i don't think that was the case here. when we were good, he was genuinely affectionate and would text me alot.. he would kiss my bare shoulder randomly in the cinema, stroke my hair, walk the longer way to the bus stop so he could 'spend more time with aimee', ask me to get the next bus so he could have more time with me. he stayed the night. he cuddled me. he introduced me to his friends, told his brothers about me. i don't know what i did wrong. looking back, from when he started being off with me... i wonder if he was just using me from then. i always knew he would get bored eventually, or go off me, or realise he could do about 10x better. maybe that's what happened and all the shit he had on at the time (court case, heavy workload, bereavement) just added to it. when i look back to the times i saw him after he first started being distant.. i wonder if maybe he only bothered in order to get laid. the time i bumped into him at oceana for instance.. neither of us knew the other was going, and i wonder if he only asked to come home with me not because he missed me and wanted to be alone with me and spend more time with me, but because he knew he'd get laid. same with the last time i saw him.. perhaps he only bothered coming over 'to talk' because he figured there'd be sex involved. i must have made a right fucking idiot of myself, right? even before i practically begged him not to dump me.

i'm tired of missing him all the time.
2 , no words came out

[02 Aug 2010|11:51pm]
you know when you're nothing.. and you know you're nothing, because you've known it your whole life. from not being one of the popular, pretty girls at school, to the lack of interest from boys in your teens, through the guy who used you for sex and made sure you knew you were worth nothing more than 5 minutes of small talk as he got dressed.. through your inability to make friends at school or college or anywhere... to going out with your pretty friend and watching as she gets chatted up by about ten guys you fancy while you stand there like a lemon. you know it.. and then someone comes along and makes you feel like you're something. makes you feel it so much that they manage to trick you into believing it yourself.. into trusting them and taking a chance on it, because they actually look at you like you're someone. and then one day you realise that the things they did that made you feel like you were something.. they don't do anymore.. and the next thing you know they've dumped you and confirmed what you already knew anyway.. that you are nothing.
no words came out

[30 Jul 2010|01:28am]
[ mood | sad ]

i have not heard from tate in 4 days (5 if you count this as friday).

for the past few weeks, he has been shit. cancelling any plans we have... i have seen him a total of 4 times in the last 5 weeks. ridiculous. his reasons for cancelling are good... i.e. he keeps having to stay late at work almost every night. he's had family stuff (both his dad and brother graduated in the past 2 weeks) however i am done with excuses. in my opinion... if he wanted to see me badly enough he would happily forgo a couple of hours extra sleep in order to come over to mine after work.

he came over on friday to 'talk'. we did this only 3 weeks before - then it was right after his courtdate (which if i didn't mention, the case got thrown out for lack of evidence). i had gotten angry at him for letting me worry and sweat for an entire 24hours before he let me know he was ok, and then was STILL off with me when he had no excuse. he told me he didn't know if he could make it over to mine that night because he had to work late - bearing in mind this was a friday and so he wouldn't have had to be up early the next day. the next thing i know, i am standing in line for oceana staring at him and his friend ivan. i was angry.. but he apologised and came over the next day to sort things out. i relented.. because he promised to make things better and i like him so much i believed him. the next time i saw him was as normal, i cooked him dinner and we had a proper night all to ourselves.

of course then it went back to the same. another 2 weeks of not seeing him, and him still being off with me (i.e. before all this happened we would text every day without fail and it had been almost a continous convo since the night we met. he was affectionate and dirty and all that stuff without me even prompting it.. now if i said anything like that he didn't even acknowledge it). eventually he managed to come over - this is the friday just gone. i went out to a friends 21st, drank a lot and smoked some dro then met him back at mine around 4am (he had been to oceana). i had been planning on not sleeping with him because i don't want him to think he can not see me for 2 weeks and then just come over and get laid. of course in my state it happened before we even really talked... afterwards we did talk. he said sorry. he said everyone has been saying that he's off with them. he said he would get things back to how they were and that it was the last time he would say that. he said, and i quote 'i like you.. and i want to be with you... i really like you'. i told him if he wanted to see me then he would have to make it happen from now on as i am tired of making an effort and getting knocked back all the time, and i can't remember the last time he asked to see me. his reply was 'can i see you tuesday after work?' and i said yes.

the next day he had to leave around 11am as his whole family was going to brighton for the wkend as a graduation suprise for his dad. he said he would try and come over sunday evening. he text me sunday night saying he wanted to be 'aimee-ised' and i replied that he should just stay at mine the night and leave a bit earlier for work. his reply was 'yeah i'd love to.. we're just leaving in a bit i think..'

and now i have not heard from him since then. 5 days. i text him tuesday around 4pm saying 'guess "tuesday after work" was just to shut me up then' - no reply. i called him last night - no answer. i called him tonight - no answer. all i can think is that he's finished with me and is ignoring me. after all if something serious had happened to him his phone would be dead right now, right? the battery wouldn't last this long. tomorrow i will text him asking for just an answer either way.. i'd rather hear it straight than this silence. i don't know what to do if he doesnt reply though...

it hurts because there has been no real breakdown of our relationship. we have had no huge arguments. neither of us have cheated or lied or anything drastic to hurt the other. we were literally perfect one minute and the next thing i know... he's not tate anymore. i have felt single now for quite some time because even when we talk it doesn't feel like my boyfriend. when he came over on friday he had some new goatee thing going on and it looked good but he looked different.. and i remember thinking 'this doesnt seem like my boyfriend...'. i hate that. i loved us. part of me thinks i should stop bothering when he clearly isnt bothered with me.. and that i don't need that in my life.. and then the second i think back to when we were good it hurts so much. we were SO good. i have never had that. and i'm lucky right.. i'm lucky he even noticed me let alone wanted to go out with me. i have wondered if he is just playing me and thats why he's distant.. i don't know. i asked him straight out on friday and he straightaway said no. i don't know what to think. what could possibly have stopped him contacting me except a lack of interest?

i just really miss him. and i am mourning a relationship that seems to have ended before its even reached its peak... i don't understand how something can be so good and then go wrong?

no words came out

boredom & loneliness. [01 Jul 2010|02:57am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

i feel like life passes by in little recurring episodes for me. sort of like a dream... life is good for a while, then i wake up again.

first year of uni was awful for me... so alone. i made no friends - how is it possible to not make friends at uni? - and spent the first semester alone all the time and the second semester alone/working. tonight i got wistful.. listening to nicole talk about how she's "calmed down a lot" and in first year her and patty were "wild childs". i wish i had those memories. i resent my teenage years so much.. growing up.. my attendance issues at school/college/uni preventing me from making friends and having fun. being so shy and unsure of myself, such low self esteem that i couldn't bring myself to TRY and make friends. it's terrible that i am just USED to being alone. i wish i could live it all over. but anyway... second year, i worked basically the entire first semester. the second semester, i became better friends with charlene (my flatmate) and we went out a lot. i had such a good time. going out so much.. i had such high hopes for summer 2009, and then moving into this house with marian, emma and natalie. in the house last year, i was best friends with charlene but was only really tolerated by meherin and breege. i thought this year would be great because we all got on and were friends. i thought we'd be out so much, having fun all the time. how wrong i was.. marian does nothing but work during termtime, and even so, we have completely different tastes in where to go out etc. emma & natalie decided early on that they didn't like me, and in the end i felt so alone and actually resented by all three of them that i just stopped trying to make an effort. i stopped suggesting we go out, because all i got was 'we dont like clubbing, we dont want to go out" blah blah blah. i got hugely lonely, depressed. things with timmy were shit. awful time. it was like the amazing fun i'd had from jan-july of last year was a distant memory.. like i'd dreamed it, dreamed the good life, and then woken up to reality.

i feel the same now. from jan of this year i began to be much better friends with jo (someone i had previously only tolerated) and so became friends also with her flatmates patty & nicole. we've had some great nights out. but now it feels like i've woken up again. its a shame.. nicole is basically me. me but improved- she's pretty, slim, only 20 yet has experience more in the way of a social life than i ever had (ie. shes been on girly hols, 18-30 hols, worked in pubs etc etc.) - just better. we like the same kind of guys. same music. both could go clubbing till the sun comes up. we are the same... but she is better. i'm jealous of her, while simultaneously wishing that we were better friends. because then i'd have a "sidekick". it's sad to think... if i had met patty & nicole in first year... the fun i could have had while at uni.

anyway. now.. jo has kind of gone home for the summer. nicole works a lot and anyway.. she seems a lot less inclined to be my friend than i am hers. i guess because she doesnt need me.. she has other friends and i suppose to her i am more of just an occasional night-out buddy than anything else. i barely see charlene anymore as she lives in north london and spends most time with her boyfriend. i feel like... once again i have had my few months of fun, and now i am waking up again to the loneliness of being deserted by the people i rely on.

i hate relying on people. i feel as though everyone else my age has a solid group of friends, even just a few people, who all like the same things, same places, same music - differing slightly, perhaps, but isn't it "things in common" which make people friends? i, however, have little branches of friends. marian, fiona, and ali, who see a night in the pub as a "night out". jo, who doesnt like the same music or men or places as me, but still will come out and make an effort to have fun. along with jo, nicole, who would be the perfect clubbing partner were she around more. charlene, who i have fun with when i see her... but i rarely see her. i don't know. i feel like a twat complaining about not being able to go clubbing... it seems so trivial.. but being something i really enjoy doing, it really gets to me when i can't go because nobody else wants to or can. it also hits home how friendless and lonely i am. i feel like i look at other people my age.. going out with friends and having fun and dancing and having drunken stories to tell.. and i never have the same. i don't have that solid group of friends to always go out with. marian refuses to... her logic is that she won't waste time or money doing something she doesn't enjoy. my logic is that i'd rather go somewhere that i don't really like, and be out with my friends, than not be out with them. differing opinions, i guess, what can you do? but it bugs me that i am willing to go out somewhere she likes and make the effort to have fun even though i don't really enjoy it... but she would not even consider doing the same for me. i feel like i am always having someone else's fun.. rather than my own. and it is so easy to say... find friends who DO enjoy the same things. but oy... it is easier said than done. where on earth do you meet likeminded people? i seem to have the luck of always meeting people who enjoy different things to me. i know better than to look forward to living with marian, fiona and ali next year... because i know i will be more lonely than ever. nicole and jo won't be living in the same road. nicole probably won't even be living in london. unless i find some friends who want to do the same things as me soon... i will be back to a replay of last year's autumn semester. constantly alone, bored, going to work just to have someone to talk to and have fun with. marian thinks we are going to have the best time, but that's because she will be living with likeminded people. she doesn't get that i'll be alright for the first few weeks.. but then i will get antsy. i will crave the dancefloor, the dark club, the atmosphere. and i will have no-one to go with. and once again.. it will be as if ive woken up to my real world. the lonely, boring one.

i'm just typing as i think and this is all shit. i sound like a petty twat. that's what i'm feeling, though.

1 , no words came out

[05 Jun 2010|06:50am]
i'm so pissed off. and upset. iv just been crying on and off the past couple of days... when on my own at least.

it will sound so stupid and completely not anything major. but anyway.. here goes.

on wednesday i went out with jo and nicole - it was supposed to be just drinks in putney, but naturally by 11pm we didn't feel like ending the night and so went to oceana. all well and good... when with nicole though i drink ridiculous amounts because every 5 minutes she wants to go to the bar. lol. anyway that was fine.. on the bus home we were very drunk and i remember thinking the guy sitting next to me was hot but whatever. we got off the bus and began the walk home. the same guy disappeared off into the night and then appeared out of nowhere saying 'hi, how are you ladies' or something and then asked for a cigarette. it thought that was nicely cheeky and then he said he'd walk us home. he and i ended up walking in front while jo and nicole dragged behind. despite having a 'lovely' (we'll get to that later) boyfriend.. i guess the thrill of someone new possibly being interested excites me and so i relish in it a bit even if i don't plan on it going anywhere. so there i was relishing it until he said .... the ever classic 'your friend is nice.. is she single?'. so obviously i was disappointed blah blah but could have expected it anyway because its nicole. nicole is not a stunner by any means,infact she has a very kind of average girl next door look to her, but at the same time she has a good body, she is pretty, and she can dance. so.. she's hot. so i stopped relishing, told nicole he liked her.. she then was like naaah he likes you.. i don't know i was so drunk. obviously i was like, what are you on about, why would he say he liked you if he liked me? LONG STORY SHORT.. we went back to my house and started drinking more (this is where it all turns sour). i don't remember much so here are my flashbacks:

- him writing me little texts on his phone and showing them to me.. quite a few but the only ones i remember are 'do you think im nice' and then 'what would you give me out of 10'.
-him saying i had a nice cleavage
- sitting on the sofas for a while just chatting shit
- - having a pillowfight/playfight with the sofa cushions (all 4 of us)
- him pulling me on top of him and kissing me (oh dear).. think this happened twice, i pulled away after about a second
- him slapping my ass multiple times REALLY hard, like stinging resounding hard
- BITING his chest through his shirt really hard.. (yeah i have no fucking idea).. and i mean really biting down
- and finally (most embarrassingly)... thinking (in my drunken state) as we were playfighting, 'oh he's a boy, i'll just punch him in his balls' ... and trying to do this loads but only actually managing to press my fist into them. oh dear. and then he got hard. and i remember grabbing his dick and thats it. oh fuck.

so anyway. thats all i really remember up until them leaving. i thought they were going to bed, but then the next day jo text me saying 'can you believe this guys still in our house'. seems he went back with nicole... and jo later told me that he actually said that he wasnt interested in me, just trying to get to nicole. out loud. to them.

it might be hard to understand why this would upset me.... it's not about him. he was nicelooking and he seemed alright, but he also kept doing this showoff dancing moves and he had this awful ed hardy phonecase. and just other silly things. it's not because i am jealous... at least not that she got him and not me. what hurts it the fact that i made such an idiot of myself. because i wanted to relish in someone liking me...because boys NEVER like me... i managed to make it look like i liked him. and it doesnt suprise me that he was really after niki, not in the slightest. i just feel so embarrassed that not only does he know and i know that that was the case.. jo and niki also know. jo and niki saw me acting that way and jo and niki know that i was making a fool of myself because i wasnt even the one he wanted. it makes me feel like me again.. like an idiot, ugly, fat, ridiculous. i havent felt like that probably since before i met tate. i feel like the failure i've always been, again.

this was escalated by my failure to go to an interview i had this morning (fri) at 9am. i did set my alarm... and i got tate to call me and wake me... but i still fell back asleep. this is ridiculous. i'm going to graduate soon and i need to be able to get up in the morning or i am only ever going to be able to work the night shift at mcdonalds. i just find it impossible. i have such bad insomnia.. but even when i do sleep early... i still wake up late! or if on a rare occasion i do wake early, i end up tired by about 2pm, no joke. what is wrong with me? i feel like such a fucking failing fanny.

i cant even be bothered to type anymore. i hate talking about feelings with my friends because.. i guess im embarrassed about it and feel like i should always be positive and not moan. plus they wouldnt get it. so here is kind of an outlet... but at the same time its so hard to explain stuff without going on and on and on and on....

so tate was supposed to spend the whole weekend here (as in fri and sat nites rather than just fri) because im going home next weekend and so wont see him 'properly' (as in, more than a few hours) for two weeks. he decides to go to oceana with his friend kitson instead, which is fine.. he said i could go and iinvited people, but in the end no-one could come. he made it sound like he didnt want me to come if that was the case.. then persuaded me. next thing i know.. he says he can't come over at the weekend anymore because he has to study for his exam on monday. fair enough... but i was having such a shit time with all the other stuff that it just pissed me off so much. i've been telling him for weeks to study for this exam. i even told him to bring the stuff over with him so i could help him. he just said he wasn't going to bother because he was 'going to fail anyway'. and now he decides to do it? nice. anyway we argued via text and then he came over around 9pm. i had just run a bath and was going to go to oceana with him after all... but i had a bit of a cry and told him the weds stuff and then he just kind of ... shot off. couldnt get away fast enough, it seemed. and he didnt say 'i'll see you later' or 'tomorrow' or anything like that.. he said 'i'll speak to you when you're in a better mood'. for some reason he cant seem to handle me when im upset and that worries me... what kind of relationship is it if i have to fake a smile even when im upset?

anyway so he text me around midnight and we kind of made up and he said he would come over after oceana (which closes at 3am). so i waited up... text him at 3:20 to ask if he was still coming.. no reply... so i revert back to crying because he's bailed on me.. then at 5am he calls and says he's just gotten out of a police cell for fighting in the club.

for fuck sake.

im so pissed off. he could actually go to court if the other guy decides to press charges. im so fucking angry. he tends to get a bit lairy when he's drunk... not in an overly loud way, but more like he thinks he's invincible and gets an attitude. we were in oceana last weekend and he was getting attitude because he wasnt being served quick enough - i had to tell him off then and iv told him off before on the phone because as he's walking he's muttering insults about passers-by. one day he will get punched.. is what i say. and then he ends up in a fucking police cell. IDIOT. it makes me so angry too because i would have been there if we hadnt argued, and then i could have stopped it. so now, i bet i dont see him at all this weekend... he could get charged... and he won't get back into oceana again. im so fucking angry. why does he have to be such a dickhead?? even aside from the fact that its a fucking stupid thing to fight in a club... i needed him tonight and instead he's hanging out in a police cell. wanker.
no words came out

[04 Dec 2009|03:24pm]
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no words came out

[28 Nov 2009|07:54am]
'it's weird, you know... when i was like, 15, all i wanted to do was get older. do what i want, be my own person. and now i can.. i can do whatever i want. i can drink, vote, drive, fuck.. i'm legally an adult. and i've realised 2 things. 1, that i would do anything to go get them years back. and 2, that i never felt more alone. i never felt more like a kid in my life.'
no words came out

beginnings and endings [25 Sep 2009|03:08am]
it's really strange how fast time goes and how you don't realise you have to make the most of it until it's over.

i swear to god everyone knows what it's like to be told, "make the most of it while you're young"; or something along those lines. we never listen. never do. just nod and roll our eyes and shrug it off. then suddenly a small era of our lives is over- high school, college, university- and we desperately scrabble for any miracle that might let us timetravel back to the beginning so we can start over, do more, learn more, live more. i know that's me. i look back on school, which i HATED, and wish i'd gone more, wish i had the memories that my friends do and the friends they made there. wish i'd had more high school crushes and boyfriends and drama, wish i'd gone to prom, wish i'd gotten more gcse's. i look back on college and wish i'd done the same, gotten better grades, made better friends, had a better time. now, i'm going into my final year of university, and i cannot believe it. all i can do each day of this week is look around at all the freshers, in sheer jealousy; at them going into this amazing unrivalled chapter of their lives and having no idea how quickly it will pass.

i remember my first week at university and kate, my flat rep, saying to me that she couldn't believe how quickly her three years there had gone. i was sceptical; i mean it's three years we're talking, how can that go quickly?? now i know only too well... i think it's all down to relativity really. school never seemed to go fast because really it was neverending. you're there for a good ten years and every year its the same thing. finish for summer, back to school and all over again. then suddenly it's over, you go into alevels and you don't think to make the most of it because it's two years. then suddenly you're starting the second year and applying for university and it's over before you know it. university- seems like the biggest thing of your life. you think it'll last forever, you'll be a student forever. its three years after all. even once you've done your first year, you still have another two. then- if you're anything like me- you reach halfway through that second year and suddenly realise- shit! it's going to be over soon.

every single day this summer, this autumn, this week; i have been exclaiming over and over again, in my mind and out loud, that i cannot believe where i am. i can't believe i am a third year. i can't believe that this is IT. this time next summer i will be a graduate, and i'm scared shitless. i can't imagine myself in a gown, accepting a certificate of my degree. i can't imagine not being a student anymore. it's been two years but i feel like i've only just begun. i've only just settled, and soon it'll be over.

even though i am applying to do a pgce, which means another year at uni- even though i fantasise almost every day about doing another degree after this one- the fact remains that my university life is over. as a pgce student, i will still be a postgrad, not an undergrad. if i did another degree- i wouldn't be a fresher. i'd be a mature student, 'different'. these years at university truly are priceless; you can never get them back and you can never relive them. i think back almost every day to what i'd do differently if i could just go back and start over, i think what i would say to someone in that position of just heading off to university, the advice i'd give- and the sad thing is that i know there would be no point. because every young person, upon hearing that they should 'make the most of' their young years.... just rolls their eyes and shrugs it off. i don't think you can understand it, or even take any notice until you've lived it.

no words came out

Writer's Block: LiveJournal Book Club [26 Apr 2009|03:57am]
Out of all of your favorite books, pick just one you'd recommend everyone read. As a bonus: why did you pick that one?
the time traveler's wife by audrey niffenegger

it just stunned me. it's rare to come across a book that is so incredible and amazing, in this day and age, but this is it.

1 , no words came out

to my sputnik sweetheart. [08 Jan 2009|07:01pm]
and it came to me then- that we were wonderful travelling companions, but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own seperate orbits.

from far off they looked like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're no more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. when the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. maybe even open our hearts to each other. but that was only for the briefest moment. in the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude, until we burned up and became nothing.

goodbye, mark.

no words came out

[01 Jan 2009|05:49pm]
hello, 2009.

could you be any busier?

my schedule is as follows:

tuesday:   11am-1pm Career Prep
                1pm-2pm Journalism Then & Now (lec)
                3pm-6pm Photography & the Real

weds:       9am-10am Journalism Then & Now (sem)

thursday:  1pm-3pm  Genre & Cultural Context (scrn)
                 3pm-4pm Genre & Cultural Context (lec)
                4pm-6pm  Genre & Cultural Context (sem)

friday:      9am-1pm World Cinemas

i'm not entirely sure i can handle two 9am starts a week, plus two days of all-day lectures until 6pm. one of them is all in the same room! this is insanity. why do i bite off more than i can chew? i could have forgone one of these modules, but no. i must do the absolute maximum. i suppose the upside is, it means i have room to fail one module. i think.

on top of this of course i have work, which actually isn't looking too busy.... they certainly aren't doing their utmost to pull acts in. maybe there'll be a steady influx as time goes on but for now the calendar is looking pretty spread out. odd. i need to find some work experience this year though, so it's kind of okay. i'm wondering whether it's acceptable to ask someone i worked with last month as a contact for this. we met in an awkward circumstance, and only worked together once after that. he's one of the VIPs in a rather large merch company, which also happens to be one of slipstream's rivals. part of me is thinking, if you don't ask, you don't get; and i should be taking advantage of every contact i manage to make in this business. the other side is wondering whether it is socially acceptable to do so, or merely incredibly embarrassing.

aside from getting work experience, i suppose my 'resolutions'  will be to...

1. lose weight. an ever-present goal
2. try and pay off overdraft before loan comes in (not entirely possible as it goes); control finances better.
3. try and save enough for trip to AUSTRAAALIAAA!
4. attend lectures, research, learn, and start essays at least 48 hours before they are due.

i hope i manage it all.

no words came out

[15 Nov 2008|03:29am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

i'm writing this through incredibly tired eyes that just won't sleep. that's my life story, these days. i work til late, come home, and then can't sleep. i am still working for slipstream, of course. i have started working on the bar at hammersmith apollo, as of this week, too - mainly because 70% of the acts they seem to book are comedians, who rarely have merchandise. if they do, they usually only need one person working- this way, michael and i both get to earn some money. i don't like it much though. bar work's not for me, i don't think, and a lot of the venue staff are unfriendly. but! carry on i shall, as poor i am. before this uni year started i had managed to hit my overdraft limit- meaning that when i got my loan through, £1,200 went straight to paying off that. then there's rent and after that i had only about £400 leftover. now i am pretty sure i am quite far into my overdraft again, and only two months' rent has come out of it! rent is due again in a few days.. actually, what am i saying. the days have run away with me; this ALWAYS happens when i work lots. it's the 14th, rent comes out on the 12th. so yeah.. i must be pretty far into it. i am planning to make this up with my wages though. i am determined to NOT still be in my overdraft by the time my next loan instalment comes through, otherwise i will just end up in a vicious circle. funnily enough, though, i am getting better with my shopping habit. i'm not GOOD, yet, but i'm doing better...

my new housemates are quite lovely. i get on with charlene the most. we have regular nights out to the salsa club in central and giggle over boys. i am still horribly single. currently crushing over this week's merchandise road man - james. very cute, suprisingly young (they are usually 40-odd) and VERY funny. he's great. but sooo not interested, AND leaving tomorrow. never mind. he was a worthwhile crush. other than that, i am of course still crushing on just about every cutie within the hammersmith apollo. did meet a guy at salsa but it hasnt gone anywhere - c'est la vie!

i think i have fully accepted my situation with mark, too. it will never get good, ever. i will never get over him, i know that, but i also know that i will get used to it, that it will get better, and in fact.. maybe it already has. it doesn't hurt physically, anymore, not really. a small ache, maybe, but not the gut wrenching pain i used to feel at the beginning, or the eye-watering heartache i used to feel at the end. now it's more of.. a yearning, for what never was. i miss him. i love him. but i can live without him, i think.

no words came out

[07 Sep 2008|03:14am]
"did i ever say i liked you, aimee?"

the straightest rejection i ever got.

this, following mark, and dan's massively blatant fobbing-off of my advance, has completely put me off ever being brave, or making a move, or even thinking that a guy might possibly be interested in me at all, ever again. it is clearly just not something that's ever going to happen.
1 , no words came out

!!!!!!!!!!!! [20 Aug 2008|02:05am]


and yes, he did look this fit:

1 , no words came out

[04 Aug 2008|12:13am]
sigh. i'm at home, on my own, bored out of my brain. what happened to tv? there's nothing on at all! i was literally sitting around drumming my fingers before i discovered that this laptop worked..

went to Wales this weekend for (uncle) Gary & Claire's wedding. it was alright i guess. first real chance i've had to wear a summery dress. i,of course, got hideously sunburnt. i am still recovering, but safe in the knowledge that within a couple of days it willhave turned to tan. shame it's not all even..

parts of the wedding reminded me of 'the last kiss'. a few of the male guests, the matron of honour and claire herself. the best man, who is a legend. the best conversations i had this weekend were with him and his wife. the house we were staying in was lush too, despite having to trek all the way to (near) Swansea to get there. it had an indoor pool and everything! and the view from the garden was amazing. the wedding itself wasnt that spectacular, there wasnt much buildup to the bridal walk or anything. i hope Natalie's is a bit better, but at the same time not, cause that time i'll be walking down the aisle too!

all in all the wedding night was basically a reversal to the days of being a child with my cousins. i have 5: ashley is currently 28 and was, along with my sister, the older one. then there are laura and alex, both 24, and daniel and michael, both 22. (families: ashley, laura & daniel; alex & michael). of course, alex and laura got on famously, as did daniel and michael. when i was very young daniel and i were best friends, he came on holiday with my family once. once we got older and his family moved to dorset though, we did of course grow apart. i haven't seen him since my grandparents anniversary about 4 years ago, and before that it must have been a good 6 years. ive always thought it was a shame, cause we got on amazingly, but it happens right? on saturday though i honestly felt like i did back then - i have always been shy, and when i was younger i barely said a word - i was always the shy little baby of the family, who tagged along with the others who all had the same sense of humour and got on really well. Daniel wasn't at the wedding, but Laura's boyfriend Matt was and, along with Alex, Michael and Ashley, they took me straight back to those days, except this time round i'm older, and while i felt left out and allt hat... i also just felt incredibly bored and slightly amused by how lacking they are in personality. Laura and Ashley are nice - in fact friday night i had an inkling of a thought that ashley andi  would end up bonding this weekend; i know from my mother that he's suffered from depression in the past and when i got there on friday about 11pm i could kind of see it in what he said and how he spoke.. i don't know, maybe not depressed, maybe just more of being an outcast, maybe because i've been there and both counts and still kind of am, i just felt like i SAW him and despite us never having hung out in the past because of the massive age difference between him and the rest of us, we seemed to click somehow and he seemed a little to me as being 'off the rails'... mentally or literally i don;t know, but perhaps it ws just cause he was drunk. ikind of pictured us talking a lot and getting on because of that, but it didn't happen. anyway, i digress. Laura and Ashley are nice. Matt is alright, although he intimidates me just through being older, having seen it all, being confident and talking to anyone with no trouble. alex and michael just piss me off, both are immature; alex is one of those giggly annoying girls with a shite, stupid sense of humour, and over the past 5 years michael appears to have turned into a seedy, slimy, short ginger of a man with much the same personality. i sat with them outof a feeling of duty, because they were the only other 'young ones', and because they were my cousins, but truth be told the best conversation i had all weekend was with the best man and his wife - who, might i add, had the CUTEST children i've ever seen!

anyway. work is going okay. i've basically been running the show for the entire run of HSM. made a few fuckups but managed to resolve them. i'm having a good time, i guess. i get on well with most of my staff and have  alaugh most days. started talking tot he venue staff more too - there's even a girl there who seems to fancy me! haha. and i have a major crush on this guy Danny who works there - security. he's 36.... i know i know. and i don't think he's properly interested, as he hasnt made a move at all and doesn't even bother saying goodbye ot me when he leaves. but he does flirt majorly and i guess even if it doesnt turn into anything, i have that at least? he does make wildly suggestive comments though, so who knows...

i havent updated in so long, i probably have a lto more to say... for instance... i got to work at global gathering! which was pretty wicked. i passed my first year of uni. had a massive argument the other day with kat......yeah! bored now. tara.
no words came out

[23 Jun 2008|07:41pm]
ohmygodddd, i want to meet noel clarke and do noel clarke and quite possibly also marry noel clarke, thankyou.

a bit of danny dyer would not go amiss either!
no words came out

i know i'm alone if i am with or without you... [18 Jun 2008|10:35pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

i am so bored at home! all i've done since being back is sit around doing nothing. marian and maddie are still busy with college and katherine always seems to have plans with nick or her family. i haven't even really unpacked yet, only my clothes (which all need ironing) because my grandparents were here when i moved back, for like 5 days, and there just wasnt room to sort everything. i really wish we were back in the old house. at least then i'd have room to move! this bungalow shit is bollocks. its so tiny i can't even move in my room. i step out of my bed into a load of mess, boxes and bags of stuff that i have nowhere to put. i'm not sure i'll ever manage to sort it out... i think i'll be living out of suitcases for the next two years.

we saw puppies yesterday! my mum's manager has a springer spaniel that had TEN little ones 5 weeks ago. they're finally old enough for us to go see them! they're all brown and white, and sooo cute. most of them are normal small puppy size, but there's one little runt who is adorable. he's half the size of the rest, literally the size of a kitten but sooo cute. he fell asleep in my hands! i didn't want to let him go. his name is dave too hahahaha.

i've been slightly in the wars. at the summer ball i was on the dodgems and fucked up my hand. at a&e they told me it was fractured, at the fracture clinic they said it was just soft tissue injury. thankfully its pretty much better now, aside from pain in my thumb and forefinger if i try to do anything like, open a bottle or a sachet. it was doing my head in before - i felt so useless! i had a tooth out on thursday too. kicked up a right fuss! i completely panicked, cried like a baby and then called the dentist a prick. lovely experience.......

mark. mark mark mark. i can't imagine how he sees me. it must be pretty awful. he's so vague and non-commital about everything, i have to literally hand it to him on a plate just to get him to even consider seeing me and then he fobs me off with "maybe"s and excuses. i must be quite the repulsive young hag; after all what kind of man turns down easy sex with no effort involved except to be there and get laid? quite. it is so knackering to be in love. more so with a man who doesn't even find the prospect of no-strings sex an attractive one...

only a week to go til i'm back in london. high school musical, ahoy-hoy. i am currently eagerly awaiting my independence, having something to do with my days, being in 24/7 easy reach of london shopping, and the unveiling of eli as newt the maniac's imaginary friend....

no words came out

yves saint laurent. [02 Jun 2008|03:48am]

icon & living legend
1937 - 2008

no words came out

[14 May 2008|02:04am]
[ mood | calm ]


been home for a few days. just got back to uni tonight, a few hours ago. it's really weird to think i've only got a few weeks left here before i have to move out. i know i'll be back again two weeks later, but no-one else will be which will be odd. i've just spent ages sorting out my wardrobe and folding everything into neat piles - my indecisive nature inevitably leaves the place looking like a bombsite with discarded clothes everywhere. it still looks like that, but not quite as much. god. and to think i've been in a frenzied shopping mood lately, "no summer clothes" - i have SO many clothes. just not many that are currently wearable...

mark. what can i say? tumultuous as always. my faith in this thing has completely gone. i thought it had before.. i even had the times, events pinpointed in my mind where i'd gradually lost significant amounts of hope- the time he said he was bored of me, last year's "wish you all the best" episode, etc. but now.. well, he said i never even satisfied him. ever. just 'had potential'. so i mean.. what does that leave? four years and i still only have potential. i don't know. i guess i'm finally broken.

it's nice here, though. at the moment. with the nice weather, drinking weather. no lessons means we can spend days outside on the grass, watching the baby geese, having waterfights and drinking icy drinks. lovely stuff.

no words came out

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