(that girl) (ohmanifesto) wrote,
(that girl)

beginnings and endings

it's really strange how fast time goes and how you don't realise you have to make the most of it until it's over.

i swear to god everyone knows what it's like to be told, "make the most of it while you're young"; or something along those lines. we never listen. never do. just nod and roll our eyes and shrug it off. then suddenly a small era of our lives is over- high school, college, university- and we desperately scrabble for any miracle that might let us timetravel back to the beginning so we can start over, do more, learn more, live more. i know that's me. i look back on school, which i HATED, and wish i'd gone more, wish i had the memories that my friends do and the friends they made there. wish i'd had more high school crushes and boyfriends and drama, wish i'd gone to prom, wish i'd gotten more gcse's. i look back on college and wish i'd done the same, gotten better grades, made better friends, had a better time. now, i'm going into my final year of university, and i cannot believe it. all i can do each day of this week is look around at all the freshers, in sheer jealousy; at them going into this amazing unrivalled chapter of their lives and having no idea how quickly it will pass.

i remember my first week at university and kate, my flat rep, saying to me that she couldn't believe how quickly her three years there had gone. i was sceptical; i mean it's three years we're talking, how can that go quickly?? now i know only too well... i think it's all down to relativity really. school never seemed to go fast because really it was neverending. you're there for a good ten years and every year its the same thing. finish for summer, back to school and all over again. then suddenly it's over, you go into alevels and you don't think to make the most of it because it's two years. then suddenly you're starting the second year and applying for university and it's over before you know it. university- seems like the biggest thing of your life. you think it'll last forever, you'll be a student forever. its three years after all. even once you've done your first year, you still have another two. then- if you're anything like me- you reach halfway through that second year and suddenly realise- shit! it's going to be over soon.

every single day this summer, this autumn, this week; i have been exclaiming over and over again, in my mind and out loud, that i cannot believe where i am. i can't believe i am a third year. i can't believe that this is IT. this time next summer i will be a graduate, and i'm scared shitless. i can't imagine myself in a gown, accepting a certificate of my degree. i can't imagine not being a student anymore. it's been two years but i feel like i've only just begun. i've only just settled, and soon it'll be over.

even though i am applying to do a pgce, which means another year at uni- even though i fantasise almost every day about doing another degree after this one- the fact remains that my university life is over. as a pgce student, i will still be a postgrad, not an undergrad. if i did another degree- i wouldn't be a fresher. i'd be a mature student, 'different'. these years at university truly are priceless; you can never get them back and you can never relive them. i think back almost every day to what i'd do differently if i could just go back and start over, i think what i would say to someone in that position of just heading off to university, the advice i'd give- and the sad thing is that i know there would be no point. because every young person, upon hearing that they should 'make the most of' their young years.... just rolls their eyes and shrugs it off. i don't think you can understand it, or even take any notice until you've lived it.

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